Today's texts

“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is scant consolation to a child when you hoover up their gerbil.

I saw those people on their roofs during the New York storm floods, crying & I thought “If anything, you’re just making it worse.”

try this puzzle,this maths sequence can predict your favourite film.......
mine was star wars.not sure how it worksbut it does
pick a number between 1-9
multiply by 3
add 3 to that number
multiply by 3 again
add the two digits together


1 true grit
2 the great escape
3 oliver twist
4 star wars
5 forrest gump
6 saving private ryan
7 jaws
8 grease
9 the joy of anal sex with male goats
10 mary poopins

Wahey, just had a text telling me I've won a competition, £1000 in cash or an all expenses paid trip to see an elvis tribute act.


I have to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....................

an oldie but a goody
in a family fortunes style
we asked one hundred people to name a dangerous race?
"the arabs"

after dropping my new girlfriend home the other night she told me i'd have to wait six months before she would suck my john thomas
i told her i totally respect her decision and that i'd ring her nearer the time

the wife asked me what i was doing on the computer last night
looking for cheap flights
i love you she said and surprisingly unzipped my trousers and gave me a fantastic blow job
which was odd really as she's never shown an interest in darts before

Just been to see my ageing grandad, he says before he pops off he would like to fulfil an ambition to ride elephants.



Ibiza, here we come!

My missus has just come home and caught me pleasuring myself to a picture of her mother. As punishment, she took the darts off me!