Today's texts

After giving her a good shagging last night, I noticed that the condom I was using had split!

At first I panicked, then I laughed, thinking how funny the puppies will look!

i asked the mrs what she wanted for her birthday?
"a spa would be nice" she replied
ok i said
i jabbed her three times before flooring her wiithh a left hook

my nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had
so for a laugh i decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face
my sister went fecking mental when she looked in his cot

I was watching a video the other night, with creepy organ music. I was so engrossed, I suddenly shouted out, "Don't go in the church you daft c*nt."

The wife came into the room & asked, "What are you watching?"

I replied, "Our wedding video"

Dear Jimmy Fix it

Please could you fit it for a girl in my class who i really fancy to come on holiday with me to france,

yours sincerely
Jeremy Forrest, Age:30

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Schools are such fucking hypocrites........ you cant take your kids on holiday during term time but the teachers can.....

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A Vicar books into a travel lodge and says to the receptionist "i hope your porn channels disabled"

no its ordinary porn you sick fuck !

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good new for megan stammers - she just passed her maths oral

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after reading 50 shades of grey a welsh guy persuades his girl friend to try anal sex for the first time, he says "if it hurts too much yell the saftey word twice & i'll stop
she say's "ok whats the saftey word"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"

Teaching is such a fickle profession ,on minute yr taking the register ,next thing is your on it .

just had something like that on a text, beat me to it lol

I hear he's looking forward to a 15 year stretch.

He was only showing her many times 30 will go it 15.

What’s the difference between Stevie Wonder and Jeremy Forrest?..

Jeremy Forrest only has one fucked pupil.