Today's texts

The last one isn't a true story, honest...........................

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him


I asked 100 women what shampoo they used whilst showering.

99 out of 100 replied, "How the f**k did you get in here



My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..."

After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence

I asked my wife " does your mother like Raindance or something more Fred Astair?" & she replied "I think my mother would prefer you to stay off her grave"


My condom split last night while I was having sex. At first I panicked, but then I burst out laughing, thinking how funny the puppies will look

Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "im the hardest bastard in here.'' Barman says ''calm down mate, of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!''
> Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says "I'll fight any fucker here. Who wants a beating?"
> Black tarmac stays silent. The barman says to black tarmac "Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?
> Black tarmac replies"I'm not messing with that fucker, he's a fucking cyclepath.
>

i was having a full blown threesome with these two dirty young bitches at work today, the white one was taking it up the arse, the black one was licking and slurping on my balls ................... then the owner of the kennels came in and sacked me on the spot

called my boss earlier and said i wont be returning to work tomorrow because ive got vaginal issues.
He said for fucks sake your a man.
I replied yes but your a cunt.


I was chatting to a bird in a club, she whispered do you fancy coming back to mine? ive got a fanny the size of a polo.
I said oh yes!
when we got back to here place i pulled down here knickers and gasped.
Surprised she said. Totally i thought you meant the mint not the fuckin car!

I’m going to the dentists tomorrow for the first time since I was at school. Do they still do that thing where you fall asleep and wake up with your pants on backwards

BREAKING NEWS!

Harry Redknapp has agreed to take on the Englad Managers job, on a part time basis.

Cash in hand, no questions asked!

A beautiful 20 year old moved in next door to me last week, and her underwear started to vanish from her line, anyway she told me today that the police caught a good image of the person on a hidden camera, when I heard this I nearly shit her knickers!

The Olympic sailing results are in, GB have taken Gold, Usa have taken silver & somalia have take a elderly weymouth couple

Breaking news!

The Somali Olympic team have made a formal apology to the London Olympic organisers after realising that sailing & shooting were seperate events

My missus has just had a right go, reckons I have a short attention spanners are great arem't they!