Today's text joke

I used to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.

Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my wife has had a massive dump.

When I was a kid the other kids would cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head...........

....It was tough growing up in the Gateaux

Police have obtained photographic evidence of the Smiler crash to use for legal procedings.

Alton Towers however are charging them £6 per photo or £8 for a keyring.

Went to the tattoo artist yesterday and asked for an Indian on my back
After about an hour I asked him if he could fit a tomahawk in
To which he replied yea no problem, just let me finish the turban off first

The Mrs texted me Saturday to say she was in casualty
Sat in all Saturday evening to watch it
Never spotted here once, gutted I had to cook my own tea

This is true & what i got to work with here,,
We had a really bad sand storm on tuesday so i gave the gate guards particle face masks,
They looked at each other, took their caps off & put these masks on top of their heads like a fooking party hat,
they said shukran (thanks) Neil, Then stood there chuffed to fuck that they got a free hat, there is no hope..

Reminds me of the story I heard about when the health workers in these countries tried to teach locals to use condoms by putting them on a broomstick as a demo . Turned out they were using them , religiously putting one on their broomstick everytime they had a shag

Well this is true, I worked in a factory many years ago and there was always someone who went out to get breakfast for the boys and one guy said would you get me twenty Embassy (Fags).  The guy said what if they havent got Embassy, he said get me anything?  he came back with a pasty.

Whilst stacking shelves in safe ways ( scratching for work and a mate got me a part time number there)
We was loading out the aisles, when when one of the boys picked up a box and asked where does the cuckoo go??
Cuckoo? Wtf is he on about, walked up to him to find out what he was on about
To find him holding a box of cous-cous, to be fair to him he was from blaina

A Blonde bird called in the garage & asked the mechanic "out of curiousity, what goes in the 710 cap ?", the mechanic thought fooking 710, WTF!, show me he said, she lifted the bonnet & said "there look, 710", the mechanic said "its upside down love, it says fooking OIL"