todays text joke

i rested my knob against the wifes chocolate starfish in bed this morning
what do you reckon i whispered in her ear????
fancy a bit???????????
she replied "pack it in"
she did'nt have to ask me twice

   

“Woof!”
“What’s that Lassie? Timmy fell down a well again?”
“Woof!”
“I agree, - fưck him.”
“Woof!”
“Ha ha! You sure said it pooch.”

What did the elephant say to the naked man? ?????????


How the fuck do you eat with that. ?...   

thought i was watching a porn film last nite .there was this fat bloke wanking on the sofa .then i realised the telly wasent switched on caaaaaannt

Im sick of my kids taking the piss out of my alhzimers.....................................But the fuckers wont be laughing on Christmas morning when they wake up and find theres no eggs under the bonfire   

Fella called to the house yesterday and he was only 3'foot'3in tall. I said who are you? He said 'The meter man!

Jokes
Not so much as a knight in shining armour.... More of a retard in Tin foil.



My wife's a magician.She can turn anything into an argument.



When I was growing up I used to suffer from unwanted erections.Mainly my uncle'ss.



My wife is like James Bond; she has a license to kill.Or a driving license as it's known.


I've been sending my wife suggestive texts for the last few nights.I suggested she lost weight or fucked off.



A woman asked the hardware store clerk, "Do you have any batteries?"  "Yes." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"  "If I could come that way," the woman answered, "I wouldn't need the batteries "

Felt a bit of an arsehole today.
Fucking cheap loo roll.

I was sitting listening to muddy waters this morning...... That's the last time I drink 10 pints of Lager followed by a vindaloo.


Just bought my misses a new fridge for xmas,You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.


My wife spends every night in town, going into pub after pub.And she always fucking finds me.


Louis Walsh has stared into more Japs eyes than Godzilla.

Dear geraint,

I've no where else to turn, I'm desperate for your advice. Please help!

Recently me and the missus haven't been getting on so well, she seems distant, showing little interest in me.

She is constantly texting off of her phone, but won't tell me who she is texting. Every weekend she is out Friday and Saturday night and comes home in the early hours, pissed, not knowing where she's been.

So last night I came up with a plan, I knew she would be home about 12, so 11.45 I went into the garden, and hid behind my motorbike. I got down low, so I had a good view of the street.

Sure enough, a car driven by a strange bloke turns up, my missus stumbles out and staggers to our gate, stopping only to pull her knickers out of her bag, and pull them on.

It was a this point I suddenly noticed what was going on, the fuckin engine mount on my bike has broken!

Can I weld this or should I just buy a new one?