Txt jokes

I found the naked dead body of a woman while I was out walking my dog. The Police asked me how I found the body?
I said "Nice tits and arse, not a looker though."

.........



Pulled this bird at the pub last night. When we got to the bedroom, I discovered she was a transvestite!

I didn't know where to put myself.
........

I feel a bit sorry for the millions of people who won't receive a Valentines day card this year.

Still, I suppose it's their own fault for getting married.

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time I am just here for a few days."

Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"


Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"


My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.


Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They
sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.


A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Syria
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this shit place!"


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"


The Chinese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!