Missing?

I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall.

'We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want £500,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call.'

They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now.

i took two old stuffed dogs i had onto the antiques road show
.......".ooh said the presenter "this is a very rare breed indeed !

do you have any idea what they`d fetch if they were in good condition ?
................................................................................................................
"sticks probably" i replied

Tonight I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy has grown

My little girl asked me this morning, "Daddy, where did I come from?".

It's a tricky one to answer at that age. I mean, do you make something up or what? I'm not sure how a girl her age would handle it if I told her I'd taken her from an unlocked Portuguese apartment while her parents were on the piss.

( feel free to remove if it's too offensive, but it made me laugh )